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How to Keep Your Child Safe Using Emotional Intelligence
by Susan Dunn, MA, Clinical Psychology, The EQ Coach

Protecting your child means using your emotional intelligence - empathy, emotions, intuition. To keep your child safe, think the way your child thinks.

1. If the Internet intrigues you, and meeting new people, and "porn" and "sex" always score high on the search engines, think of the allure for your teenager.

Take a look at these Internet statistics and plan accordingly.

By the end of 1998, more than 40 percent of all American homes had computers, and 25 percent had Internet access. This trend is expected to continue. Children and teenagers are one of the fastest growing groups of Internet users. An estimated 10 million kids are online today. By the year 2002, this figure is expected to increase to 45 million, and by 2005 to 77 million. -Youth Internet Safety Survey
Only 1/3 of the households with Internet access are proactively protecting their children with filtering or blocking software. -Center for Missing and Exploited Children
75% of children are willing to share personal information online about themselves and their family in exchange for goods and services. -eMarketer
About 25% of the youth who encountered a sexual approach or solicitation told a parent. -Youth Internet Safety Survey
One in five U.S. teenagers who regularly log on to the Internet say they have received an unwanted sexual solicitation via the Web. Solicitations were defined as requests to engage in sexual activities or sexual talk, or to give personal sexual information. -Crimes Against Children Research Center
One in 33 youth received an aggressive sexual solicitation in the past year. This means a predator asked a young person to meet somewhere, called a young person on the phone, and/or sent the young person correspondence, money, or gifts through the U.S. Postal Service. -Youth Internet Safety Survey (Source: http://www.protectkids.org)

SOLUTIONS:

1. Get on the Internet with your child. This lets them know it's part of your regular family life and the same rules apply.

2. Instruct your child to immediately leave any website that makes them feel funny. This is a time to start teaching about intuition. If they feel weird, creepy, yuchy, strange, it's a sign something's not right and it needs to be heeded.

3. Tell your child to tell you if they receive any contact by email, eZine or whatever and not to reply to it.

4. Tell them they must never agree to meet face-to-face with anyone they 'meet' online, or give any personal information for any reason.

5. Talk in such a tone that you don't scare your child, but encourage them to discuss things with you. If you know what's going on, and they feel free to tell you, you'll be that much ahead of the game.

HELP:

a. Internet Filtering Software. Net Nanny (http://www.netnanny.com/index.html ) is a powerful program that "restricts Internet access, monitors some online activity, protects personal information, blocks IRC chat and newsgroups, blocks search engines, and is customizable for individual users."

b. Guardian Monitor (http://www.netnanny.com/index.html )supervises everything your children do on the Internet.

c. With eBlaster (http://www.netnanny.com/index.html), you automatically get sent copies of all your child's eMails and chats.

d. Computer Monitoring Software. Online Recorder Software ( http://www.originalprograms.com ), by Original Programs, monitors children's online activity with the latest technology. "It secretly runs under Windows when your computer starts up and extracts text from Internet applications. It records every keystroke on your computer without slowing it down or changing it's performance."

2. Your child's physical safety.

Think like your child does - they're busy, curious, like to touch things, things that sparkle and shine, whir and buzz, stick out, move, are forbidden to touch, or are new or simply just there.

Put unharmful things in low cabinets and lock them anyway. (tupperware containers, dish clothes, papertowels.
Put those plugs in every unused electrical outlet.
Store dangerous things up high and/or under lock and key.
Don't assume anything's safe in your garage. The doors get left open, neighborhood kids wander around. If you store dangerous things out there, put them on shelves up high. This includes tools
Anything a small child can lick, taste, bite, chew or otherwise get in their mouth, they will. Put all lotions and potions, poisons, insecticides, liquor, sprays and cosmetics out of reach. Remember even things like soap and liquor can be harmful in quantity.
Put stools and ladders away, else the child will be able to use them to get where they wouldn't be able to ordinarily.
Train your child to stay away from the stove and oven. Cook on the back burners, putting pot handles toward the back.
Keep only age-appropriate toys around - no small pieces for toddlers, nothing sharp or pointed. Protect younger children from older children's toys.
Train your child to observe safety with riding toys. Helmets and knee pads for bikes, skateboards, etc.

3. Hone your instincts.

TOP-SET(R) Investigations trains engineers in high-danger positions to stay safe by getting them in touch with their animal instincts (intuition) and that's where you need to be. Be alert to changes - things too silent, a feeling, a sound, a door opening or closing, something dropped. You need to alert.

4. Changes, celebrations, parties, visitors.

Many children are injured during such times, because we get distracted. Houseguests can be particularly so.
Grandparents, and any other adult, actually, often carry prescription drugs in their purses and suitcases. Train everyone to put these things away (I have two shelves high up on a bookcase at my daughter-in-law's for my purse and small sleepover bag).
Imagine how intriguing a new bag or purse looks to a small child! And all those neat things inside! Little bottles, scissors, matches, coins...
New appliances may arrive - cameras plugged in to recharge, toothcare equipment. Anything with a plug can electrocute. I remember finding my toddler about to put the live end of the camera flash in his mouth. Someone had left it on the floor.
Meals get rushed and can cause opportunity for kitchen injury. Take special precautions.
Parties need a designated parent just like a designated driver. If the kids are around and you're having a party, remember to pay attention. There will be extra attractions, like candles on tables (I remember my 4-year-old sneaking a candle into his room and, knowing he shouldn't have it, he put it under his bed. Yes, the bed caught fire. No, no one was hurt.) There are also things to trip over, changes in the scene that distract, and alcohol. Don't leave drinks sitting around untended, and make sure you stay sober enough to take care of your kids.

5. Grandparents.

Grandparents no longer live with small children, and their instincts can be "out of practice" from the vigilant days of childrearing. After all they've earned it! But ... remind them.

One of the hard parts about role reversal is that you're responsible for your children's safety, and you have to monitor the condition of your parents. Clients of mine had the grandfather over to babysit on Sunday afternoon and he fell asleep. When they returned home, there was an ambulance out front, as one of the kids had slipped out and gotten hit by a car. (Nothing serious, fortunately.)

If your parent is no longer able to effectively care for children, you have to be willing to see this and do what you have to do.

If your parent should no longer be driving, and you can't stop them, at least don't allow them to drive your children.

Remind grandparents about certain things they've gotten out of the habit of doing -- like checking for bicycles -- or kids -- before they back out of the driveway.

If your parent is on some kind of medication that could effect their ability to act or stay awake, then make plans to always be with them when they're visiting the grandchildren.

6. Water Safety.

If you must have a pool when you have small children, you must make sure they learn to swim as soon as possible.
Fence in the pool, have a gate with a lock, have an alarm if possible.
Inform your neighbors and ask them to keep their kids safe ... kids wander.
When you give a family pool party, have a designated adult. Someone has to always be alert to safety.
Many people have the pool in one area, and the hot tub in another. A child can just as easily drown in a hot tub.
Intentionally go over pool rules. They should be similar to public pools, as many accidents occur because of rough-housing, diving in shallow water, and slipping on wet cement.
Know CPR

7. Fire Safety.

One of the ways we teach emotional intelligence to children is with Intentionality - telling them what we're doing and why we're doing it, not just doing it. This brings it 'out of the woodwork' and helps them focus and internalize. For instance, if your mom is coming and you're getting ready to use empathy and compassion to make her visit special, tell your child - "I'm baking Nana's favorite cake so she'll feel loved," or "I'm putting a special blanket on Nana's bed because I want her to feel warm and safe because I love her."

By the same token, be intentional about fire safety. Take the time to go over the rules, and have a walk-through of the house, pointing out exits, talking about the 'tuck and low' rule - getting down below the smoke and crawling. Teach your child to dial 911. Have ladders if windows are high. Discuss what the family will do if there's a fire - who will go where, where the fire extinguishers are.

8. Strangers, Touching, Public Restrooms and Weirdos.

These are a fact of life in today's world. Start teaching your child to use their intuition.

Being touched by someone "in the bathing suit area" or anywhere else or in any way that makes your child feel uncomfortable is their emotions guiding them. Teach them to pay attention to their feelings and to trust them for the guides that they are.
Being talked to in strange tones of voice that make them feel creepy should also be heeded.
Public restrooms can be tricky, but for the sake of your child, do what you have to do. As a single parent of two boys, there were times when I was stuck. I took them into the ladies room with me when they were perhaps too old, and yes, also took them into the men's room when I shouldn't have been there at all. A boy was molested by a man in our neighborhood movie theater ... I wasn't taking a chance.
Teach the buddy system. If your older child wants to go to the restroom, send them in pairs at least.
Teach your child about Personal Power. Not to freeze up but to run, cry out, make a noise, and most of all to tell you. If you create an atmosphere where your child feels free to talk about things with you, you'll find out all sorts of things.
Train your child that when things feel funny they are, even if its someone they know, or someone they "should" trust, like a teacher, cub scout leader, church youth director, sports coach, or policeman. Sadly, not everyone can be trusted.
Again, teach your child about the signs, and about what their emotions and intuition tell them. If a teacher, for instance, takes them off alone to 'see something special' ... this should feel weird, and they should refuse.
Personal Power means knowing you can say "no" -- for a good reason, a bad reason, or no reason at all. "Better safe than sorry."

9. Staying connected, the lifeline.

If you can afford a cell phone for your children, use this. Encourage them to call you to check in, or if something's not going right. Tell your child to OVER call, not UNDER call, assuring them that you'll never be annoyed, and not to feel funny if they called for help when it was an "over-reaction."

Long-range walky-talky phones are available also; I see many families using these on cruise ships.
Consider wrist bands for your child as well. As soon as a child enters a cruise ship, they're given a wrist band with name and identification on it. This helps.

10. Teach action and Personal Power.

Teach problem-focused solutions, not emotion-focused. In any difficult situation, our emotions go on alert, and it can supercede our ability to think. Plan activities where you can practice with your child.

For instance, if you're at a park, and your child fears dogs and a big one comes toward them and your child "freezes" teach them not to do that, to take action. Goose them and say "Wake up! Do something!" In other words, don't allow them to "learn helplessness." They have a voice to yell with or to use to ask for help; they have legs to run with; arms to push with and wave with.

Most of all, they have a brain to use!

11. Drugs and Dangerous Activities.

Of all the things we don't know about addiction -- what causes it, how much is genetic, what predisposes, who gets hooked when some don't -- we DO know this: no one ever got addicted who didn't take the first sip, shot, line, snort, or puff.

Addiction resides in the reptilitan brain which means it operates like an alligator - there's no reasoning with it. It doesn't come when called, it doesn't take orders, it doesn't think, feel, react or learn.

Likewise, no one sets out to "get addicted." What they intended to do varies, and includes -- to cope with anger, to self-soothe, to be part of the gang, to have fun, to experience pleasure, to be at peace ...

But emotional intelligence would include intentionality - knowing what you're doing and why, and using your neocortex to think through things. There's always a space between stimulus and response where we have a choice. Start teaching this early. Seeing a cooky and reaching out to grab it when you know you shouldn't requires EQ -- frustration tolerance, thinking, not just reacting, planning, and delaying gratification.

Practice the Marshmallow Test with your child -- Goleman considers it a better predictor of a 4 year old's future success in life than their IQ. It involves telling a child they can have one marshmallow now, or, if they can wait, having 6 when you return some minutes later. And then leaving the child alone in the room with the marshmallows. I think you can see the point. There are many things we must wait for in life, and many times we must resist immediate urges.

12. Keep your child psychologically safe.

Children can be taught emotional intelligence, but they can't be taught more than you know. In fact you can't NOT teach it, because all your interchanges with your child teach it. Get some EQ training and coaching yourself (http://www.susandunn.cc) so you can teach what you intend to teach, not something accidental.

Teach your child optimism, and resilience, insurance policies against depression and low stress-tolerance.
Model appropriate emotional expression. Teach words for feelings and that all feelings are okay (though not all actions).
Teach your children to self-soothe, and to distract themselves when things go bad, not dwell and go into the downward spiral of pessimism.
Help them learn to trust their intuition. Talk to them about yours, i.e., "I knew something was funny when I walked in that room because I got a chill."
Model flexibility. When plans change and it rains on your parade, have a second plan!
Teach anger management early on. Anger kills, whether you suppress it or express it ... learn the other way.
Isolation is worse on our health than obesity, high blood pressure and smoking. Work with your child on their interpersonal skills, so they know how to create and maintain strong social support networks.
Get some EQ coaching so you develop yours more, and are aware of the competencies.

13. Keep yourself safe in order to keep your kids safe.

Get the rest, help and training you need. Keep balance in your life. Be good to yourself.

Copyright © 2003 Susan Dunn. All Rights Reserved.

Susan Dunn, The EQ Coach, http://www.susandunn.cc . Emotional intelligence coaching, EQ culture programs for businesses. Distance learning. EQ Alive! ( http://www.eqcoach.net )- coaching school for professionals who want to coach emotional intelligence, classes starting monthly. Mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc for FREE eZines. Put "EQ Work" or "EQ Personal" for subject line - or both.

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